Finding Peace Through Reflection And Understanding.

Life is full of lessons, some painful, some beautiful, all shaping the people we become. I have come to believe that before we arrive in this world, we choose our experiences, the moments that will break us, the ones that will heal us, and the love that will guide us forward. That though gives me comfort. It reminds me that every hardship, every joy, every difficult choice has meaning. It is all part of something greater.

My mum was a force of nature. Bold, determined, and fiercely independent, she stood strong through life’s trials, even as she battled multiple sclerosis. To others, she was warm and charming, generous, and deeply caring. But to me, she was complicated. Emotionally distant, often unforgiving, and capable of making me feel guilty even when I had done nothing wrong. Conflict with her was painful. She would either cut me off for weeks or disappear completely, leaving me lost and frustrated. She carried a past filled with heartache. Two sons taken from her, shamed forced upon her, a childhood cut short from exile. Survival became her way of life, and in learning to protect herself, she build walls she never truly let down. But even in her hardest moments, she held onto her sense of humour, her fire and her strength. She was flawed but she was brave.

My dad was my balance. Kind hearted, funny, endlessly loyal. He had a calming presence, a quite strength that made my world feel safe. Even when mum treated him harshly, he never stopped loving her. Looking back, I see that she trusted him with her care because she loved him so deeply. She knew that no one would understand her the way he did. Their relationship, once confusing to me, now makes perfect sense. It was raw, imperfect, but it was love.

Dad shaped me in ways I will always carry. He gave me the love of music, taught me how to read and play, and filled my childhood with laughter. Even as he struggled with his own unseen burdens, he was devoted to my mum, to me, to the quite love he held within himself. His passing had a profound impact on me, just as my mums passing had on him. But now, I take comfort knowing they are together free from pain, free from the weight of the past, surrounded by love and light.

The more I reflect, the more I see myself in both of them. I carry my mums fire, my dads tenderness. Their strengths, their flaws, their contradictions. I am strong yet vulnerable, loving yet lost, a healer yet still healing. I am introverted but soulful, cautious but deeply trusting, loyal to those who are loyal to me. I have my dads sense of humour, my mums stubbornness, their resilience, their sensitivity. but with in me, there is balance.

Generational conditioning runs deep. We inherit patterns, emotions, and beliefs from those who come before us. My mum passed down her intensity, her self preservation her ability to run from problems. My dad passed down his patience, his loyalty, his quite strength, but now, I have the power to choose which parts of them I keep, and which parts I let go.

Healing begins with understanding. Through reflection, wounds soften, pain becomes lighter, and in the process, I find peace. Love is the most important feeling we can experience, and forgiveness is the act that sets us free.

I know now that if i had to live another human experience I would choose them again.

And in that I find gratitude.

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